I know what is the right decision to make, but it is not what I want.

So do I pursue what I want? Or give up my heart's desire to do what is right?

Doing what is right, in this case, giving up, would probably cause myself and him a lot of hurt but we would move on from that hurt and he would be able to have a complete family. But what about what he wants and what I want?

Everybody only gets to live once. And how you live it is entirely up to you. You choose how you want to live your life. Whether you want to stick it out through thick and thin and forgo your heart's desire and whether you want to pursue your heart's desire and forgo your responsiblities and obligations.

Life is all about choices, some choices harder than others. Ultimately, he is not the only one who gets to make a choice, I get to make a choice too.

Why marry someone when there were already problems with the relationship. When you already know that you are unhappy with your partner? When you already know that your partner is not able to fulfill you. Even worst, why go ahead with having a child when you know that you are not exactly very happy in your marriage? Is it because of the assumption that since things have already progressed so far, then it's just the next step to take? Are all marriages like that?

It seems to me that I am surrounded by unhappy un-fulfilling marriages. My family is like that, my friend's family is also similar. My friends' marriages are not exactly the most perfect. My friend decided to give up her child to be with the man that she loves. I admire her for that. It is true that people always frown upon such decisions because in the perfect world, moms and dads are not supposed to give up their children no matter what. In the perfect world, when you make the decision to marry someone, you stick to that lifelong promise through thick and thin, through everything.

Yet, this is not a perfect world. Divorces happen, and children who are always the innocent party end up getting hurt. Nobody is perfect, humans are afterall only humans who have emotions thus making life all the more difficult.

But does that mean that you do not fight for your own happiness? Does that mean that you just stick it out your entire life living it the way society expects you to live it? Does that mean that you do not take your own feelings and what you want into consideration?

I have always been a "follow-my-heart" person. In every relationship I have always ended up following my heart and sometimes this does not work out too well for me, but I have never regretted a single decision to follow my heart. Because I believe that in this world, if I do not do what I want and what will make me happy, it is a life less lived and a life less lived is not worth living at all.

I know what I want, and I want to be with you. I want for us to be together, grow old together, have children together and do everything together. It hurts that you do not know what you want because it tells me that our love is not strong enough for you to decide. Yet at the same time it also tells me that you are not heartless and that you have a strong sense of responsibility and obligation and those are things that I like about you.

I want to fight, really I do. I want to fight for you, for us, for our future, for our children. I believe in our love, I honestly do. But sometimes it just gets so tiring. I want to be selfish and only think of myself in this equation but I can't. I know that she and baby deserve their individual happiness as much as you and I deserve our happiness. Her happiness lies with you and the complete family the 3 of you should have. Baby's happiness lies in having the complete family that she rightfully deserves. My happiness lies in having a future together with you and I sincerely hope that your happiness lies in having a future together with me.

But again, if what you say is true, and you are unhappy in your marriage, is it fair to her that you stay on while knowing that you are not happy? While knowing that your heart is with another person? Is it fair to both of them? She deserves to know irregardless of whether someone tells her or not. She deserves to know now. It is only fair to everyone. What is the difference btw letting her know now and letting her know after baby is born? Now, she is with child, after child is born, she is also with her child. The only difference is whether the child is in the stomach or out. Does that make it any easier for her to know? Honestly I do not think so because there is never a right or best time to say such things.

Should I make the decision now for all of us? Or should I stay and fight and wait for an outcome? An outcome which I cannot help but think of the worst for myself. I seem to already have lost the battle. But yet I still cling to that small thread of hope. From my perspective, I feel that I am just sitting around and waiting for an answer, not knowing how I can prevent myself from getting hurt. But what am I talking about? I already am hurt.