I am hurting like hell

The one question that keeps running through my head.. is why? Why? Why? Why? 

Why if you say you love me as much as you do, how can you seriously feel that your decision is in our best interests?

It's been 2 days since you gave me the news. I am like a ghost, everything I do simply has no meaning anymore. Everything that I would like to do just has no meaning if it means that you're no longer with me. 

I go to sleep at night thinking that this is only a bad dream and when I finally wake up, everything will be ok. I have problems sleeping because every hour or so I will jump up in fright and realise that it's all real. I have not been able to eat for the past 2 days.. everything I try to ingest just comes back out again.. even plain water just comes back up again.. 

I have never ever been in such bad shape over anybody. I just cannot bring myself to accept that it is really over.. What am I to do? I know the logical thing is to slowly allow time to heal my wounds and move on.. I just cannot see that happening.. because I know that I love this man so much, so so much.. that I am willing to sacrifice everything just to be with him. 

I've never thought that this kind of love ever existed. The crazy head over heels kind of feeling, the feeling where you just cannot wait to start your lives together no matter how difficult, no matter how long it takes, the vision of reaching there is sufficient. Sure, it gets me down sometimes, but never for very very long. 

No words will ever be enough to describe how I love this man. He was the best thing that ever happened in my life. Honestly. And I asked myself time and time again, if I had to do it all over again, would I? Even though I now know how tough it is, how upset I can get, all the ups and downs, all the fights and quarrels, would I? 

My answer is Yes. I have never regretted stepping into this relationship with you and I never will. You are the only man who has ever made me feel this way and even if you're not with me in future, that will never ever change.

Even though you hurt me now.. I cannot let go of you. I just can't. I know I should, but I simply can't.. I know I will carry on waiting for you. 

It hurts

To know that time is already not enough, and when both parties make sacrifices, 1 party is more willing to go thru with that sacrifice than the other.

To know that your partner knows that you're upset but yet says bye without leaving a message after that. I remember in the past, I would at least get a message because he knows I am upset. Doesn't seem to happen nowadays.

What does all this mean? How to not read it as losing interest? Or taking for granted? Or getting tired? Or just plain not caring enough to do so?

Or am I reading too much into it? I probably am...

I duno why I care so much. I duno why I would be so affected. What I do know is that I would never ever be like this in the past. I never ever felt that time is not enough. It is true that it is because of the situation, but I used to be able to take things very easily. Not enough time? No matter. That used to be how I would think. Sometimes I wish I could go back to being that person. Maybe then I wouldn't hurt so much. Things would probably be much easier.

I know what is the right decision to make, but it is not what I want.

So do I pursue what I want? Or give up my heart's desire to do what is right?

Doing what is right, in this case, giving up, would probably cause myself and him a lot of hurt but we would move on from that hurt and he would be able to have a complete family. But what about what he wants and what I want?

Everybody only gets to live once. And how you live it is entirely up to you. You choose how you want to live your life. Whether you want to stick it out through thick and thin and forgo your heart's desire and whether you want to pursue your heart's desire and forgo your responsiblities and obligations.

Life is all about choices, some choices harder than others. Ultimately, he is not the only one who gets to make a choice, I get to make a choice too.

Why marry someone when there were already problems with the relationship. When you already know that you are unhappy with your partner? When you already know that your partner is not able to fulfill you. Even worst, why go ahead with having a child when you know that you are not exactly very happy in your marriage? Is it because of the assumption that since things have already progressed so far, then it's just the next step to take? Are all marriages like that?

It seems to me that I am surrounded by unhappy un-fulfilling marriages. My family is like that, my friend's family is also similar. My friends' marriages are not exactly the most perfect. My friend decided to give up her child to be with the man that she loves. I admire her for that. It is true that people always frown upon such decisions because in the perfect world, moms and dads are not supposed to give up their children no matter what. In the perfect world, when you make the decision to marry someone, you stick to that lifelong promise through thick and thin, through everything.

Yet, this is not a perfect world. Divorces happen, and children who are always the innocent party end up getting hurt. Nobody is perfect, humans are afterall only humans who have emotions thus making life all the more difficult.

But does that mean that you do not fight for your own happiness? Does that mean that you just stick it out your entire life living it the way society expects you to live it? Does that mean that you do not take your own feelings and what you want into consideration?

I have always been a "follow-my-heart" person. In every relationship I have always ended up following my heart and sometimes this does not work out too well for me, but I have never regretted a single decision to follow my heart. Because I believe that in this world, if I do not do what I want and what will make me happy, it is a life less lived and a life less lived is not worth living at all.

I know what I want, and I want to be with you. I want for us to be together, grow old together, have children together and do everything together. It hurts that you do not know what you want because it tells me that our love is not strong enough for you to decide. Yet at the same time it also tells me that you are not heartless and that you have a strong sense of responsibility and obligation and those are things that I like about you.

I want to fight, really I do. I want to fight for you, for us, for our future, for our children. I believe in our love, I honestly do. But sometimes it just gets so tiring. I want to be selfish and only think of myself in this equation but I can't. I know that she and baby deserve their individual happiness as much as you and I deserve our happiness. Her happiness lies with you and the complete family the 3 of you should have. Baby's happiness lies in having the complete family that she rightfully deserves. My happiness lies in having a future together with you and I sincerely hope that your happiness lies in having a future together with me.

But again, if what you say is true, and you are unhappy in your marriage, is it fair to her that you stay on while knowing that you are not happy? While knowing that your heart is with another person? Is it fair to both of them? She deserves to know irregardless of whether someone tells her or not. She deserves to know now. It is only fair to everyone. What is the difference btw letting her know now and letting her know after baby is born? Now, she is with child, after child is born, she is also with her child. The only difference is whether the child is in the stomach or out. Does that make it any easier for her to know? Honestly I do not think so because there is never a right or best time to say such things.

Should I make the decision now for all of us? Or should I stay and fight and wait for an outcome? An outcome which I cannot help but think of the worst for myself. I seem to already have lost the battle. But yet I still cling to that small thread of hope. From my perspective, I feel that I am just sitting around and waiting for an answer, not knowing how I can prevent myself from getting hurt. But what am I talking about? I already am hurt.

Have you ever loved someone so much it hurts?

I never had until this relationship.

This relationship which has changed me into this person who I am totally unfamiliar with, whom my friends are totally unfamiliar with.

My heart literally cringes when I think about him leaving me. Every little thing he says or does affects me. I do not exaggerate when I say I cannot imagine how life would be like without him by my side anymore.

Although it has only been 4 short months, honestly it has been a roller coaster ride. If I had the chance to go back in time, I would not change anything, I would do it all over again. Because this man taught me how to love, taught me what it is like to really truly love someone so much that it hurts. He taught me humility, he taught me how to think for others and not only for myself, he taught me how to care for someone other than myself. He brings meaning to my life, he made me feel what it is like to fall head over heels in love.

No other man has ever made me feel this way. Not a single one. Life likes to play tricks on people and fate has the weirdest sense of humor. It is ironic really.

I love him for all that he is. For all his insecurities, his overly active imagination, his short temper, the way he never fails to make me smile (tho that doesnt work all the time), the way he would explain things to me with his infallible logic and reasoning (which drives me up the wall sometimes), the way we can talk about anything under the sun, the way he is my lover, my boyfriend and my best friend. In short, I love him for who he is, everything that he brings to my life (shortcomings and all).

I dare not ask for much, I just ask that God give him the strength to think about what he wants, give him the strength to overcome all his insecurities and his fears and to give him the courage to reach a decision be it now or later.